I'm quitting my medications. No, no. Don't try to argue with me. This is something I simply must do. I'm sure I'll be here more often in the coming weeks. I'll have plenty to tell.
I'm taking a break from myself. My therapist has said, on occasion, that my life seems to revolve about bipolar disorder. My thoughts, my words, and my actions all seem finely tuned to this devasting illness. "Well," I say, "no more."
I'm taking time off from my support group. I'm making no guarantees about regularly updating this blog, though I promise to come back to it as often as possible. I refuse to give bipolar disorder so much credit that it rules my life. No more. I'm sick, not plagued.
Welcome to the rest of my life.
I've been experiencing symptoms of anxiety and mania simultaneously. Needless to say, it's been most unpleasant. I feel unhinged. I can't seem to articulate vocally, but I still seem to be able to write. I certainly scribbled all over my mirror in dry erase marker. On the plus side, I have lots of potential poetry written on a reflective surface.
I saw my pdoc today, and he's putting me on risperdal to head off a possible manic episode. It should also help with the hallucinations, according to my pdoc. I'm terrified of the possibility of becoming fully manic. If I benefit from the risperdal, he's going to take me off of the Abilify. I admit that I'm painfully unaware of risperdal. I know that some members of my support group are on it, but my knowledge of the drug is basically nonexistent. I suppose I'll ask about it in my support group and do some research tonight.
My professor is talking, but I can't seem to focus. I'll download the powerpoint from his website. He just went off on another tangent anyway, and that doesn't help my frazzled mind to focus. Writing seems to make it a bit easier to slow things down in my brain, to fix on just a few ideas and put them to paper. I just want this class and this sickness to end.
It takes lot of energy to write some things about myself, but it's good therapy. I have spent years of my life coping with (fighting) bipolar disorder, even before I was formally diagnosed. Now, I find out that my oldest brother (no blood relation) has been diagnosed. Something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and my own brother is diagnosed. Of course, I witnessed him deteriorating before my own eyes, but it's something different to know.
It all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, like my uncle's words at a family gathering: "Bipolar basically means 'I'm crazy as fuck and can't function in society.'" He said plenty of other things, of course, but those particular words latched onto my fragile mind like a life-draining leech. It's hard to function when your own family might hate you if they only knew. Of course, I sent an email to my uncle, expressing my hurt, so he'll know as soon as he checks that.
I wonder how my brother feels. Does he feel the way I once did? Does he feel relief at finally having a name for this illness? Does he feel anger towards life, his genetics, his upbringing, God, the healthier world? I simply must wonder, and I feel for my brother in all of the confusion and rage that comes with a diagnosis. But perhaps he is feeling relief in knowing, and that would make me somewhat glad. I hope he's not overtaken by the hopelessness and suicidal depression that once defined my life. A life defined by death.
Would I choose not to be bipolar if I could. Yes, in a heartbeat. Knowing that my entire life, from childhood on, would be affected, I would. Good things have happened as a result of bipolar. I view things differently than the average person, and I count that as a positive. I've met dozens of lovely people through my support group. I view life through bipolar-tinted glasses because my brain is wired differently. I view that difference as a good thing because the current system is flawed.
But would I give it back? Yes. But I'd take it on for my brother, too.
...And I was depressed. My appetite is off. I feel blue. I have no motivation. Laughing hurts, if I can even manage it. I haven't even showered yet today, and I'm usually so stuck on showering once every 24 hours.
I hope this is just one of those days that I have once in awhile now that I'm on meds. Let it be gone tomorrow.
Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been quite busy with my new classes and such.
My support group's site is experiencing massive difficulties. We're not absolutely sure what happened yet, but posts are disappearing, reappearing, and everything in between. Hopefully this will get resolved quickly.
I've released another book. For information on the book and buying details, please visit: http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=4037969
I've made a great deal of progress with eliminating many of my rituals, but there are a few that I'm havings trouble stopping. I've been doing them for so long, so I don't know why I expect them to be easy.
My book is in the editing process right now. Thank goodness.
I feel like my blog actually reached someone, and that was all I have been looking for all this time. Thank you.
I'm working on a tell-all article about my experiences with bipolar disorder. It'll be out soon.
My hallucinations are giving me a bit of a break right now. I appreciate that.
I wish I could update this saying something about how I've gone seven days without hallucinations, but I only made it to six. Indeed, Alex the Amazing Apparition popped up last night. He didn't stick around for long, but it was enough.
One of my friends came out to me today. I wasn't even remotely surprised, and I don't think I even managed to fake surprise adequately. At least he can be more open now.
I'm hoping that I won't be homeless for two weeks in July. The move out date in July 10, but the last day for my classes is July 24. I have to writing a letter to the director of housing to ask for an extension. Wish me luck!
This is day six of my hallucination-free roll. No sign of Alex or Amy or anyone! I admit, it's a little lonely in my head, but it's totally worth it.
I came to a major realization while writing my memoirs. It was painful, but it was worth it. It's all about the healing process, right?
So far, this is day five without any hallucinations. If they're there, I haven't noticed them. That must mean something significant, as far as my treatment goes.
I'm focusing on my memoirs right now. It means a lot to me that people actually seem to want to read them.
I got to spend some time with my friends last night. We meant to go bowling, but the bowling alley was packed, so we went to Steak n Shake instead. We still had fun, and that's all that matters.
This has been day three without any hallucinations. Not a peep, nor a peek, nor a touch. I'm unbelievably happy, even though I actually feel a little lonelier without the strange folks wandering around my space. I need to get used to life without them.
My current med combination (1200mg lithium, 75mg Effexor XR, and 5mg Abilify) seems to be working. I feel pretty stable, and I haven't hallucinated for two days! That's my new record, and I'm happy with it.
I'm taking care of my dog by myself. She's almost 13 years old, and it makes me anxious because she's been acting odd for the past few weeks. She has periods of going up and down (perhaps she's bipolar, too), but I've never had to care for her by myself for such a long period of time. I'm extremely worried.
Ever since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I've thought that life is just that much harder. It sorta goes without saying, of course. Sometimes I just think, "Fuck, let it stop being so difficult." Other times, I remember all the wonderful people that I've met because of being diagnosed with this illness, and life seems a bit brighter.
I was already getting gradually more depressed before I discovered that I was going to lose my scholarship. Now I'm just sliding down that rocky slope, but I'm also agitated. I don't want to be in a mixed state, but it looks like that's where I'm heading.
It's time to take my medication. Hopefully, that will help me level off. Hopefully.
I'm quite actively working on my book projects. The people that have picked up my book and liked and/or loved it have no need to fear that I'll stop. I've got too much floating around my head to give up. Plus, I think that the image of REAL people with bipolar disorder needs to be projected out towards the general public, and I hope to do just that.
I'm still recovering from my trip the ER. I'm much better, but I still feel very weak.
I have a new article about bipolar disorder published at Associated Content.
I need to keep studying for finals. Wish me luck! I've only got one left.
I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone this morning, and we both agreed that cutting the Abilify in half is currently my best bet. I suppose I'll see how that goes. I have an ER follow up appointment with my family practice doc at 11:30 this morning, so I suppose I'd better get ready.
There's a new poll just to the right asking about your greatest mental health concern. Let me know.
Thursday evening, I had such a bad reaction to 10 mg of Abilify that I had to be escorted by ambulance to the ER. My body felt like it was on fire, even though my temperature was lower than normal. I was shaking and even convulsing. On top of that, even when I was not shaking visibly, I still felt like I was shaking. I was also very lightheaded. So much for being my wonder drug.
Don't expect much from me in the coming weeks. It's finals week, so I'll be unbearably busy with studying and testing. If you're really interested in reading my writing, I can't emphasize enough that I have a book published. :)
In all seriousness, wish me luck.
Now that I've got one book self-published, I'm focusing on another bipolar article and my memoirs. Naturally, the memoirs will take longer.
I've felt almost unbearably fatigued lately. Maybe it's the increased dosage of Abilify or maybe it's because I've stopped my birth control pills. I'm not sure, but I know that it's unpleasant.
If you've enjoyed my blog, there's a chance you might also enjoy the book of poetry and short stories that I've recently published. To view a preview or order a copy, simply visit my store front at http://stores.lulu.com/store.php?fAcctID=4037969
I've barely had any hallucinations today, BUT (and this is a bit but) one of my roommates might have caught me talking to one of the lovely buggers that did show up. How lovely is that? When they're running rampant, I don't think my roommates had a clue, but when they're rare, that seems to be the time Alex gets annoying when my roommates are listening in. I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't on the phone, so now I get to wonder what my roomie will think of the crazy girl. Bad times.
I get to experience my first UTI here in college, and it is unbelievably terrible. I woke up three hours early in pain. I haven't gone to my classes, but I did walk to Kroger to get an antibiotic prescription. I would get the bacteria that is barely studied (because they have trouble isolating it) and pretty rare. Go me.
I'm always afraid to take more pills, even antibiotics with my medications. I have the pharmacist's assurance that I'll be fine, but there will always be that doubt.
I thought that my impulse control was firmly in place now that I'm on several medications and actively engaging in therapy. I thought wrong.
I was feeling slightly manic the other day, but I didn't think much of it until I got to Petsmart. I bought a second aquarium (I can scarcely find room for the first), and I almost immediately started wondering what on earth I was going to use it for. That should have been a sign to return immediately, but I'm not great at following those.
Three cheers for impulse control! If you have it, cherish it.
I had an appointment with my therapist today, and I'm glad I can still surprise her. I don't think I could live with myself if I were a boring patient. She does think I get caught up too much in the "culture" of bipolar disorder, and I'm inclined to agree. Doesn't mean I really plan on stopping, since I do have a life outside of this illness.
We uncovered some secrets of my childhood, which is grim. I've also used the writing of my memoirs to do this. I'm on my way to the healing process.
I wrote 15 articles about bipolar disorder this weekend. I want people to understand this illness. I want people to quit believing what lies have built in their heads. So, I spent my weekend writing, and hopefully at least one person will learn something.
The articles are coming along. I now have only 5 left to write. I thought the website lost 5 from yesterday, but the articles came back up.
I had something weird happen with one of my hallucinations today. I took a nap, and then I woke up. I just laid there for awhile, and one of my hallucinations (Alex) started telling me to get up because I had lots of work to do (very true). He and another hallucinations basically talked so loud and so much in my head that it was like a major buzz. I got up, got out of bed, and it stopped. Strange things.
I have got to do 11- yes, 11!- articles about bipolar disorder this weekend. This may be a long one, but I'm ready for it.
My life story project is going really well right now. Perhaps it's because I know how this story goes. I didn't realize how angry and sad and scared I felt about some moments in my life until I had to review them in depth.
Someday, I want people to read this story and relate and feel less alone. I want this to mean something. I want to mean something.
I saw my psychiatrist today, and he increased my dose of Abilify from 5 mg to 10 mg. Hopefully, that will give the hallucinations a bit less to play with, and maybe I'll continue to be wildly productive.
I'm working on my life story right now- at least the first twenty years of it. I'm trying this thing where I don't procrastinate, and I figure that maybe my story should be on that list.
Speaking of writing, the bipolar articles went over really well with my support group.
The articles have finally been published. Alex (hallucination) kept bothering me today at the doctor's office. If he were real, I would have hit him. Hard.
Misconceptions About Bipolar Disorder:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1624137/misconceptions_about_bipolar_disorder.html?cat=72
Living with Someone Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1623877/living_with_someone_diagnosed_with.html?cat=70
I feel hurt by "old friends" that undermine the status of my disorder. Yeah, of course it's easy to feel completely out of control with my emotions. It's easy to hallucinate so much that I interact more with Alex and the others than I do with real people. It's easy to get so angry that I can't think straight. It's easy to be so depressed that I can't move because it hurts. My life hasn't been easy. I won't deny it- there have been good times, but that doesn't make it easy.
Perhaps I should send copies of my "Misconceptions About Bipolar Disorder" to some of my old pals.
On the bright side of things, I've achieved a lot of creative writing (poems and a short story) today. I've received several comments from one of my "fans." I also bought an algae eater. He's lovely.
I have safely returned to Savannah, and I brought some ghost shrimp with me from Columbus. So far, so good.
I'll definitely be writing- in both fiction and nonfiction capacities- about what it was like to see my oldest brother in his current state. I keep learning new things about life that I didn't pick up when I was out of mind. That's still how I feel sometimes, but I have moments of clarity and understanding that I'm so thankful to have.
So, it's back to the grind. More tests and assignments and lectures. I love it.
It takes a lot of medications to keep me stable, but my brother, who suffers from PTSD, has a whole pharmacy. I worry about him because he's been mostly ignored by the organizations that should care the most about him. It's really sickening, if I get to thinking too much about it. I wanted to see him so much yesterday, but it was somewhat depressing in the end.
I also got to explain to my other brother's girlfriend that I have hallucinations. She accepted it very well, so I feel privleged to know someone so open-minded. Perhaps my brother gave her fair warning, but he learned a few new things, too. I wonder what it feels like to be the 'other sibling,' while my other brother and I have PTSD and bipolar, respectively.
I'm in the process of using my old poetry that I dated to tell the story of my life. I suppose it's only right that I start this when I'm home with my parents.
My mother gave me a lot of fish products, so I'll be continuing with my therapy. Hopefully I'll continue to approve.
I'm working on getting more traffic to this old gal, so I'm joining up (a bit late) with a 31 Days challenge that supposed to help improve the blog and bring traffic and such.
I'm officially a group leader at the Bipolar Support Group. I'm very happy about it, even though I did have someone testing me out on my very first day. I wonder if I can put this leadership position on any of my grad school applications? Hm.
I had two articles about bipolar approved by Associated Content. I agreed to the very small amount of money, and now I'm just waiting (anxiously) for them to publish.
I'm still "fasting" with the Abilify. It's starting to worry me, but I do wonder if my weight has changed.
I've been very fixated on my fish lately. I just finished an article, entitled "Therapy with Life and Life with Therapy" about using plants and pets as a part of therapy. This has made me even more involved in caring for my fish tanks and finding new fish (or African dwarf frogs). I really love that I've found a somewhat healthy way to deal with my issues.
Today, I had a classmate confess to me that her husband is bipolar. During our conversation yesterday, I wondered why she was so knowledgeable, but now I also know what she was so understanding.
Due to the therapeutic benefits of owning an aquarium, I'm planning to write an article about using pets as a part of therapy.
I have finally arrived at a school where the students don't look at me like I'm a ticking time bomb just because I'm bipolar. I was able to have an educational conversation with other students about mental health conditions. It was cathartic.
I've been very productive, but I'm still having to tell myself to eat. I blame both on the Abilify.
My hallucinations are still pretty much full force. I was just laughing at something one of them said about half an hour ago in the kitchen. I started writing a piece (I admit I started writing it during the middle of my microbiology lecture class) about my hallucinations because I'm tired of the stigma. I don't think that hallucinations should automatically be associated with insanity and drowning children in bathtubs. So, I'm writing a piece that expresses my feelings on that matter, while explaining that some of us have "boring" hallucinations that don't tell you to take over the world or anything dramatic.
I admit that all of this writing has benefited me. Publishing it on Associated Content and MDJunction also gives me so hope that it will reach someone. I've received quite a bit of good feedback that simply boosts this hope.
I tried to go to sleep at about 1 AM because I felt somewhat sleepy. I read a book for awhile before turning out the lights. I tossed, I turned, and I twitched. I got the sudden urge to go ride my bicycle. I eventually managed to go to sleep at 4AM, but I worked on three work-in-progress short stories and chatted to members of my support group.
I haven't eaten much today- some pistachios and a couple of blueberry muffins. I wasn't really all that hungry the day before, either. I only forced down the pistachios because I realized that I hadn't eaten in 21 hours. Is this the Abilify?
When I was on Prozac, I lost 50 lbs, but I lost it devastatingly fast. I'm just hoping I'm not on the same path this time.
The hallucinations still haven't let up, but I have managed to finish two articles about bipolar disorder that I've been sitting on for an embarrassingly long time. I was just never happy with them. Anyway, I sent them away to the land of Content Managers, so I'll be waiting for the word on whether my articles are good enough for pay.
I wrote about how much I love my support group in the article "The Glory of Friendship," but I still get surprised from time to time by how much those people mean to me. I really think that anyone suffering from a mental illness should deeply consider a support group. I know I would not have made it this far without them.
I should go and tend to this short story that's been plaguing me. Maybe I'll finish that, too.
I got lost on the way to my family practice doc's clinic. Who sticks a health clinic on the side of a hotel? Anyway, it was a pretty nice set up once I got there. It was a pretty comfortable setting, so I had them draw all my blood for the labs. I need to get my lithium levels checked, so the doctor put in for that. Overall, it was a good visit- much better than I expected. Of course, I had to explain my hallucinations to ANOTHER health professional. Perhaps I should make a video and take that with me to all of my appointments.
The Abilify hasn't caused the hallucinations to let up, but I understand that I haven't been on it long enough to expect any real results. Ignoring Alex and the others can be a real pain, but I'm working on it.
Abilify might not work for the hallucinations yet, but it has improved my concentration. I did TWO (not one, but two) articles for Associated Content days before they were due! I was able to sit down and just get to work. I did the necessary research, and then I wrote the articles. I haven't been on the Abilify long enough to say that the improved concentration is an effect of the Abilify, but I'm hoping it will stay around. I'm a college student- this could be useful.
First of all, I'd like to share the poem "The Naked and the Nude" by Robert Graves. It's a favorite of mine.
For me, the naked and the nude
(By lexicographers construed
As synonyms that should express
The same deficiency of dress
Or shelter) stand as wide apart
As love from lies, or truth from art.
Lovers without reproach will gaze
On bodies naked and ablaze;
The Hippocratic eye will see
In nakedness, anatomy;
And naked shines the Goddess when
She mounts her lion among men.
The nude are bold, the nude are sly
To hold each treasonable eye.
While draping by a showman's trick
Their dishabille in rhetoric,
They grin a mock-religious grin
Of scorn at those of naked skin.
The naked, therefore, who compete
Against the nude may know defeat;
Yet when they both together tread
The briary pastures of the dead,
By Gorgons with long whips pursued,
How naked go the sometime nude!
Now that that's out of the way... I signed up for an appointment with my academic advisor in the psychology apartment. Of course, I wandered endless halls to get to the right room, but I looked confident while I did it. When it's raining, the psychology department looks dark and ominous, with tightly closed doors bearing signs that say, "Do not disturb! Experiment in Progress." I want this to be my world.
My hallucinations have mostly been behaving today. I think it's mostly because I've been working at the computer all day, since I was too sick to go to classes. Alex has been bothering me anytime I walk to the kitchen for a drink, but I've been trying to ignore him. I'll start taking a higher dose of Abilify tomorrow, and maybe that will help.
We've been talking about "crazy" and what crazy means. A counselor told a bipolar patient that she wouldn't tell anyone about the diagnosis because the counselor didn't want anyone to think she's crazy.
I look at the headlines, and I know what crazy is. Crazy is a man killing his whole family and then himself. Crazy is giving billions of dollars to the people that lost trillions of dollars. Crazy is looking at the crime statistics and fearing you'll be next.
Crazy is NOT a person with a mental illness that is medicated and does EVERYTHING she can to be a good mother and a good person. She's beautifully sane by my definition.
I want to become rich (and possibly famous) someday simply so that I can help my parents pay off any of their debts. My parents, especially my mother, have been immensely helpful when it comes to my life and financial situation. Trust me when I say it's a long road to digging my way out of mania-influenced debt, and I'm not even halfway there. However, my parents are helping me get there, and I want to make sure that they are completely "squared away" someday.
I don't really want to get rich for my own benefit. Fame would have its perks (and drawbacks), but I don't really live like a big spender (when my mood is stable). I really just want a nice farmhouse is the country or a tiny home near the ocean (but not oceanfront property). I do want a horse. But I don't need a mansion and ten cars to feel that I'm successful. I do want to author a few (successful) books someday, but I don't need a lot of material goods to show that I've made it. If I do get grossly rich someday, I'll help my parents pay off their debts, make sure mine are paid off as well, and start forming scholarships for needy and talented individuals.
Good luck reading the above. For the record, Capital One is awful.
It's been a long time since I've customized a blog, so it will probably be awhile before I get to any really interesting posts.
Why am I blogging? To get my thoughts out there. I don't know if anyone wants to read them or hear them, but they'll definitely be here for people that might want to take a peek into my warped little mind. I've got things to say about this crazy world that we live in, and I won't stop typing until I've said it.
My perspective:
My name is Jenny Thomas. If you ever forget, just read the header. I'm a poor as hell, 20-year-old college student living in Savannah, GA. I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder with paranoid and sadistic tendencies. I also have hallucinations, and those are LOADS of fun. Don't worry- I'm medicated, and I don't have any demons on my shoulder telling me to end the world. I have a fairly interesting background, but I'm sure we'll get to that later.
So, that's all I've got for you now. I'll just go back to trying to customize this blog.
