The Intriguing Life of Jennifer Lisette Thomas

I should probably make a note about medications first, since I had a brief moment where I was damn determined to quit all of them. Maybe a day or two after that post, I decided to remain on the lithium, but anything else was game for elimination. My pdoc agreed that I'd probably be best off of the other meds. Before we even got a chance to start tapering down, well..."shit happened," basically. I spent 17 days in a psychiatric hospital, where they decided that the other meds were probably causing my problems, so I got off of those.

I've been experiencing symptoms of anxiety and mania simultaneously. Needless to say, it's been most unpleasant. I feel unhinged. I can't seem to articulate vocally, but I still seem to be able to write. I certainly scribbled all over my mirror in dry erase marker. On the plus side, I have lots of potential poetry written on a reflective surface.

I saw my pdoc today, and he's putting me on risperdal to head off a possible manic episode. It should also help with the hallucinations, according to my pdoc. I'm terrified of the possibility of becoming fully manic. If I benefit from the risperdal, he's going to take me off of the Abilify. I admit that I'm painfully unaware of risperdal. I know that some members of my support group are on it, but my knowledge of the drug is basically nonexistent. I suppose I'll ask about it in my support group and do some research tonight.

My professor is talking, but I can't seem to focus. I'll download the powerpoint from his website. He just went off on another tangent anyway, and that doesn't help my frazzled mind to focus. Writing seems to make it a bit easier to slow things down in my brain, to fix on just a few ideas and put them to paper. I just want this class and this sickness to end.

It takes lot of energy to write some things about myself, but it's good therapy. I have spent years of my life coping with (fighting) bipolar disorder, even before I was formally diagnosed. Now, I find out that my oldest brother (no blood relation) has been diagnosed. Something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and my own brother is diagnosed. Of course, I witnessed him deteriorating before my own eyes, but it's something different to know.

It all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, like my uncle's words at a family gathering: "Bipolar basically means 'I'm crazy as fuck and can't function in society.'" He said plenty of other things, of course, but those particular words latched onto my fragile mind like a life-draining leech. It's hard to function when your own family might hate you if they only knew. Of course, I sent an email to my uncle, expressing my hurt, so he'll know as soon as he checks that.

I wonder how my brother feels. Does he feel the way I once did? Does he feel relief at finally having a name for this illness? Does he feel anger towards life, his genetics, his upbringing, God, the healthier world? I simply must wonder, and I feel for my brother in all of the confusion and rage that comes with a diagnosis. But perhaps he is feeling relief in knowing, and that would make me somewhat glad. I hope he's not overtaken by the hopelessness and suicidal depression that once defined my life. A life defined by death.

Would I choose not to be bipolar if I could. Yes, in a heartbeat. Knowing that my entire life, from childhood on, would be affected, I would. Good things have happened as a result of bipolar. I view things differently than the average person, and I count that as a positive. I've met dozens of lovely people through my support group. I view life through bipolar-tinted glasses because my brain is wired differently. I view that difference as a good thing because the current system is flawed.

But would I give it back? Yes. But I'd take it on for my brother, too.

...And I was depressed. My appetite is off. I feel blue. I have no motivation. Laughing hurts, if I can even manage it. I haven't even showered yet today, and I'm usually so stuck on showering once every 24 hours.

I hope this is just one of those days that I have once in awhile now that I'm on meds. Let it be gone tomorrow.

I've made a great deal of progress with eliminating many of my rituals, but there are a few that I'm havings trouble stopping. I've been doing them for so long, so I don't know why I expect them to be easy.

My book is in the editing process right now. Thank goodness.

I feel like my blog actually reached someone, and that was all I have been looking for all this time. Thank you.

I'm working on a tell-all article about my experiences with bipolar disorder. It'll be out soon.

My hallucinations are giving me a bit of a break right now. I appreciate that.

My current med combination (1200mg lithium, 75mg Effexor XR, and 5mg Abilify) seems to be working. I feel pretty stable, and I haven't hallucinated for two days! That's my new record, and I'm happy with it.

Ever since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I've thought that life is just that much harder. It sorta goes without saying, of course. Sometimes I just think, "Fuck, let it stop being so difficult." Other times, I remember all the wonderful people that I've met because of being diagnosed with this illness, and life seems a bit brighter.

I was already getting gradually more depressed before I discovered that I was going to lose my scholarship. Now I'm just sliding down that rocky slope, but I'm also agitated. I don't want to be in a mixed state, but it looks like that's where I'm heading.

It's time to take my medication. Hopefully, that will help me level off. Hopefully.

I'm quite actively working on my book projects. The people that have picked up my book and liked and/or loved it have no need to fear that I'll stop. I've got too much floating around my head to give up. Plus, I think that the image of REAL people with bipolar disorder needs to be projected out towards the general public, and I hope to do just that.

I thought that my impulse control was firmly in place now that I'm on several medications and actively engaging in therapy. I thought wrong.

I was feeling slightly manic the other day, but I didn't think much of it until I got to Petsmart. I bought a second aquarium (I can scarcely find room for the first), and I almost immediately started wondering what on earth I was going to use it for. That should have been a sign to return immediately, but I'm not great at following those.

Three cheers for impulse control! If you have it, cherish it.

I had an appointment with my therapist today, and I'm glad I can still surprise her. I don't think I could live with myself if I were a boring patient. She does think I get caught up too much in the "culture" of bipolar disorder, and I'm inclined to agree. Doesn't mean I really plan on stopping, since I do have a life outside of this illness.

We uncovered some secrets of my childhood, which is grim. I've also used the writing of my memoirs to do this. I'm on my way to the healing process.

I wrote 15 articles about bipolar disorder this weekend. I want people to understand this illness. I want people to quit believing what lies have built in their heads. So, I spent my weekend writing, and hopefully at least one person will learn something.

I have got to do 11- yes, 11!- articles about bipolar disorder this weekend. This may be a long one, but I'm ready for it.

I feel hurt by "old friends" that undermine the status of my disorder. Yeah, of course it's easy to feel completely out of control with my emotions. It's easy to hallucinate so much that I interact more with Alex and the others than I do with real people. It's easy to get so angry that I can't think straight. It's easy to be so depressed that I can't move because it hurts. My life hasn't been easy. I won't deny it- there have been good times, but that doesn't make it easy.

Perhaps I should send copies of my "Misconceptions About Bipolar Disorder" to some of my old pals.

On the bright side of things, I've achieved a lot of creative writing (poems and a short story) today. I've received several comments from one of my "fans." I also bought an algae eater. He's lovely.

It takes a lot of medications to keep me stable, but my brother, who suffers from PTSD, has a whole pharmacy. I worry about him because he's been mostly ignored by the organizations that should care the most about him. It's really sickening, if I get to thinking too much about it. I wanted to see him so much yesterday, but it was somewhat depressing in the end.

I also got to explain to my other brother's girlfriend that I have hallucinations. She accepted it very well, so I feel privleged to know someone so open-minded. Perhaps my brother gave her fair warning, but he learned a few new things, too. I wonder what it feels like to be the 'other sibling,' while my other brother and I have PTSD and bipolar, respectively.

I'm working on getting more traffic to this old gal, so I'm joining up (a bit late) with a 31 Days challenge that supposed to help improve the blog and bring traffic and such.

I'm officially a group leader at the Bipolar Support Group. I'm very happy about it, even though I did have someone testing me out on my very first day. I wonder if I can put this leadership position on any of my grad school applications? Hm.

I had two articles about bipolar approved by Associated Content. I agreed to the very small amount of money, and now I'm just waiting (anxiously) for them to publish.

I'm still "fasting" with the Abilify. It's starting to worry me, but I do wonder if my weight has changed.

I've been very fixated on my fish lately. I just finished an article, entitled "Therapy with Life and Life with Therapy" about using plants and pets as a part of therapy. This has made me even more involved in caring for my fish tanks and finding new fish (or African dwarf frogs). I really love that I've found a somewhat healthy way to deal with my issues.

Today, I had a classmate confess to me that her husband is bipolar. During our conversation yesterday, I wondered why she was so knowledgeable, but now I also know what she was so understanding.

I tried to go to sleep at about 1 AM because I felt somewhat sleepy. I read a book for awhile before turning out the lights. I tossed, I turned, and I twitched. I got the sudden urge to go ride my bicycle. I eventually managed to go to sleep at 4AM, but I worked on three work-in-progress short stories and chatted to members of my support group.

I haven't eaten much today- some pistachios and a couple of blueberry muffins. I wasn't really all that hungry the day before, either. I only forced down the pistachios because I realized that I hadn't eaten in 21 hours. Is this the Abilify?

When I was on Prozac, I lost 50 lbs, but I lost it devastatingly fast. I'm just hoping I'm not on the same path this time.

I got lost on the way to my family practice doc's clinic. Who sticks a health clinic on the side of a hotel? Anyway, it was a pretty nice set up once I got there. It was a pretty comfortable setting, so I had them draw all my blood for the labs. I need to get my lithium levels checked, so the doctor put in for that. Overall, it was a good visit- much better than I expected. Of course, I had to explain my hallucinations to ANOTHER health professional. Perhaps I should make a video and take that with me to all of my appointments.

The Abilify hasn't caused the hallucinations to let up, but I understand that I haven't been on it long enough to expect any real results. Ignoring Alex and the others can be a real pain, but I'm working on it.

Abilify might not work for the hallucinations yet, but it has improved my concentration. I did TWO (not one, but two) articles for Associated Content days before they were due! I was able to sit down and just get to work. I did the necessary research, and then I wrote the articles. I haven't been on the Abilify long enough to say that the improved concentration is an effect of the Abilify, but I'm hoping it will stay around. I'm a college student- this could be useful.