The Intriguing Life of Jennifer Lisette Thomas

I should probably make a note about medications first, since I had a brief moment where I was damn determined to quit all of them. Maybe a day or two after that post, I decided to remain on the lithium, but anything else was game for elimination. My pdoc agreed that I'd probably be best off of the other meds. Before we even got a chance to start tapering down, well..."shit happened," basically. I spent 17 days in a psychiatric hospital, where they decided that the other meds were probably causing my problems, so I got off of those.

I've been experiencing symptoms of anxiety and mania simultaneously. Needless to say, it's been most unpleasant. I feel unhinged. I can't seem to articulate vocally, but I still seem to be able to write. I certainly scribbled all over my mirror in dry erase marker. On the plus side, I have lots of potential poetry written on a reflective surface.

I saw my pdoc today, and he's putting me on risperdal to head off a possible manic episode. It should also help with the hallucinations, according to my pdoc. I'm terrified of the possibility of becoming fully manic. If I benefit from the risperdal, he's going to take me off of the Abilify. I admit that I'm painfully unaware of risperdal. I know that some members of my support group are on it, but my knowledge of the drug is basically nonexistent. I suppose I'll ask about it in my support group and do some research tonight.

My professor is talking, but I can't seem to focus. I'll download the powerpoint from his website. He just went off on another tangent anyway, and that doesn't help my frazzled mind to focus. Writing seems to make it a bit easier to slow things down in my brain, to fix on just a few ideas and put them to paper. I just want this class and this sickness to end.

I feel like my blog actually reached someone, and that was all I have been looking for all this time. Thank you.

I'm working on a tell-all article about my experiences with bipolar disorder. It'll be out soon.

My hallucinations are giving me a bit of a break right now. I appreciate that.

I wish I could update this saying something about how I've gone seven days without hallucinations, but I only made it to six. Indeed, Alex the Amazing Apparition popped up last night. He didn't stick around for long, but it was enough.

One of my friends came out to me today. I wasn't even remotely surprised, and I don't think I even managed to fake surprise adequately. At least he can be more open now.

I'm hoping that I won't be homeless for two weeks in July. The move out date in July 10, but the last day for my classes is July 24. I have to writing a letter to the director of housing to ask for an extension. Wish me luck!

This is day six of my hallucination-free roll. No sign of Alex or Amy or anyone! I admit, it's a little lonely in my head, but it's totally worth it.

I came to a major realization while writing my memoirs. It was painful, but it was worth it. It's all about the healing process, right?

So far, this is day five without any hallucinations. If they're there, I haven't noticed them. That must mean something significant, as far as my treatment goes.

I'm focusing on my memoirs right now. It means a lot to me that people actually seem to want to read them.

I got to spend some time with my friends last night. We meant to go bowling, but the bowling alley was packed, so we went to Steak n Shake instead. We still had fun, and that's all that matters.

This has been day three without any hallucinations. Not a peep, nor a peek, nor a touch. I'm unbelievably happy, even though I actually feel a little lonelier without the strange folks wandering around my space. I need to get used to life without them.

My current med combination (1200mg lithium, 75mg Effexor XR, and 5mg Abilify) seems to be working. I feel pretty stable, and I haven't hallucinated for two days! That's my new record, and I'm happy with it.

I've barely had any hallucinations today, BUT (and this is a bit but) one of my roommates might have caught me talking to one of the lovely buggers that did show up. How lovely is that? When they're running rampant, I don't think my roommates had a clue, but when they're rare, that seems to be the time Alex gets annoying when my roommates are listening in. I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't on the phone, so now I get to wonder what my roomie will think of the crazy girl. Bad times.

The articles are coming along. I now have only 5 left to write. I thought the website lost 5 from yesterday, but the articles came back up.

I had something weird happen with one of my hallucinations today. I took a nap, and then I woke up. I just laid there for awhile, and one of my hallucinations (Alex) started telling me to get up because I had lots of work to do (very true). He and another hallucinations basically talked so loud and so much in my head that it was like a major buzz. I got up, got out of bed, and it stopped. Strange things.

I saw my psychiatrist today, and he increased my dose of Abilify from 5 mg to 10 mg. Hopefully, that will give the hallucinations a bit less to play with, and maybe I'll continue to be wildly productive.

I'm working on my life story right now- at least the first twenty years of it. I'm trying this thing where I don't procrastinate, and I figure that maybe my story should be on that list.

Speaking of writing, the bipolar articles went over really well with my support group.

The articles have finally been published. Alex (hallucination) kept bothering me today at the doctor's office. If he were real, I would have hit him. Hard.

Misconceptions About Bipolar Disorder:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1624137/misconceptions_about_bipolar_disorder.html?cat=72

Living with Someone Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1623877/living_with_someone_diagnosed_with.html?cat=70

I feel hurt by "old friends" that undermine the status of my disorder. Yeah, of course it's easy to feel completely out of control with my emotions. It's easy to hallucinate so much that I interact more with Alex and the others than I do with real people. It's easy to get so angry that I can't think straight. It's easy to be so depressed that I can't move because it hurts. My life hasn't been easy. I won't deny it- there have been good times, but that doesn't make it easy.

Perhaps I should send copies of my "Misconceptions About Bipolar Disorder" to some of my old pals.

On the bright side of things, I've achieved a lot of creative writing (poems and a short story) today. I've received several comments from one of my "fans." I also bought an algae eater. He's lovely.

I've been very productive, but I'm still having to tell myself to eat. I blame both on the Abilify.

My hallucinations are still pretty much full force. I was just laughing at something one of them said about half an hour ago in the kitchen. I started writing a piece (I admit I started writing it during the middle of my microbiology lecture class) about my hallucinations because I'm tired of the stigma. I don't think that hallucinations should automatically be associated with insanity and drowning children in bathtubs. So, I'm writing a piece that expresses my feelings on that matter, while explaining that some of us have "boring" hallucinations that don't tell you to take over the world or anything dramatic.

I admit that all of this writing has benefited me. Publishing it on Associated Content and MDJunction also gives me so hope that it will reach someone. I've received quite a bit of good feedback that simply boosts this hope.

I got lost on the way to my family practice doc's clinic. Who sticks a health clinic on the side of a hotel? Anyway, it was a pretty nice set up once I got there. It was a pretty comfortable setting, so I had them draw all my blood for the labs. I need to get my lithium levels checked, so the doctor put in for that. Overall, it was a good visit- much better than I expected. Of course, I had to explain my hallucinations to ANOTHER health professional. Perhaps I should make a video and take that with me to all of my appointments.

The Abilify hasn't caused the hallucinations to let up, but I understand that I haven't been on it long enough to expect any real results. Ignoring Alex and the others can be a real pain, but I'm working on it.

Abilify might not work for the hallucinations yet, but it has improved my concentration. I did TWO (not one, but two) articles for Associated Content days before they were due! I was able to sit down and just get to work. I did the necessary research, and then I wrote the articles. I haven't been on the Abilify long enough to say that the improved concentration is an effect of the Abilify, but I'm hoping it will stay around. I'm a college student- this could be useful.

My hallucinations have mostly been behaving today. I think it's mostly because I've been working at the computer all day, since I was too sick to go to classes. Alex has been bothering me anytime I walk to the kitchen for a drink, but I've been trying to ignore him. I'll start taking a higher dose of Abilify tomorrow, and maybe that will help.

We've been talking about "crazy" and what crazy means. A counselor told a bipolar patient that she wouldn't tell anyone about the diagnosis because the counselor didn't want anyone to think she's crazy.

I look at the headlines, and I know what crazy is. Crazy is a man killing his whole family and then himself. Crazy is giving billions of dollars to the people that lost trillions of dollars. Crazy is looking at the crime statistics and fearing you'll be next.

Crazy is NOT a person with a mental illness that is medicated and does EVERYTHING she can to be a good mother and a good person. She's beautifully sane by my definition.